Ever since you walked out of my life, all those years ago, I’ve done nothing but put a ‘brave face’ on. I’ve pretended it didn’t bother me, for my mum’s sake and my brother and sisters. As the oldest, I felt that was my duty. To set an example.
You don’t want us, so we don’t need you.
It’s not that simple, when you think about it though. I am right in saying that I don’t need you, I don’t. I’ve come all this way without you, thanks to mum. I’m at uni, I have my whole life ahead of me and you, well, you have no idea who I even am anymore. But now I’m getting older, it’s all about what I ‘want’ and what I ‘should have’, not what I ‘need’.
Every girl should have a dad there, in floods of tears at her prom. He should be there at her graduation and embarrass her by clapping and whistling louder than everyone else. She should have a dad to threaten to kill her boyfriend if he ever hurts her. She should have a dad that, the same boyfriend, is absolutely terrified to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. A dad to walk her down the aisle, after giving her a huge prep talk in the back of the car, on the way to the church. A dad that becomes a granddad, when she has his first grandchild.
I want that. But I’ll never have it.
Don’t get me wrong, there are many more men in my life who are there to do all those things. My granddad, my brother, my step dad. They are all much more worthy of that position. But they aren’t ‘dad’.
So here I am, at 02:08 on a Wednesday morning, thinking how I’ll never have any of those moments, crying onto my phone screen. But you know what, it’s you that’s missing out. There are millions of men around the globe, who would kill to have children. To do all those things for his daughters, or watch his sons first football match. You’ll never ever get that and I actually feel sorry for you, because those are life’s most priceless and precious moments.
If you’ve taught me one thing, Dad, it’s that my children will NEVER feel this way. They will never feel abandoned or unloved. They’ll have their mum and dad, with them every step of the way.
So thank you for that,