So here it is, my first ever blog post: A New Beginning (I’m so scared!!!)
I’m by no means ‘a writer’. In fact, I don’t think I’ve written anything since describing how Curley’s wife’s red dress meant ‘danger’, in GCSE English Lit. Despite thinking, ‘he literally just chose a red dress’, I surprisingly got an A*. Anecdotes aside, this post is basically going to be an introduction – a little about me and why I chose to start a blog!
So I’m Jade, I’m 20 (21 in November) and I’m a student in Nottingham. I study BSc Zoo Animal Biology and I’m just about to head into my third and final year (thank god!). Don’t get me wrong, I love my subject and I adore every animal I work with. But the last two years have been a struggle, both physically and mentally.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered with Anxiety. Of course, I didn’t always know that. I was always a ‘shy’ child and apparently I was going to ‘grow out of it’, so that’s what I accepted. Only now looking back, do I understand. When I refused to play out or when I cried if the teacher asked me to speak about my homework or the fact that I never once put my hand up to answer a question, even though I knew the answer – that was all Anxiety Disorder.
Despite everyone telling me I would ‘grow out of it’, it worsened the more I aged. All of a sudden I had more to worry about, more decisions to make, more responsibility. I had exams to do well in, college courses to choose, job interviews to attend, strangers to call on the phone. All of this added up, until it got to the point where I couldn’t even go outside some days – I still can’t.
Uni only made it worse. In fact, uni triggered depression as well. Some days I couldn’t bare to go to lectures, but then I’d spend the rest of the day crying because I didn’t go to the lectures. Having anxiety AND depression is one of the worst things, I have EVER had to deal with. It’s crippling.
Anxiety makes you care too much and depression makes you not care enough.
So that brings us up to the present. Although I understand my mental health more, I still find all of the above difficult. I have good days, but also days that I never ever want to think about. I still struggle speaking to anyone but my boyfriend and I still struggle going to the doctors. Which is why I started my blog (even though I’m TERRIFIED that people are going to read it).
Inspired by lots of wonderful people on Twitter, I thought getting my thoughts and feelings off my chest would help. I must admit, my head already feels a lot clearer and I feel like I can start the long journey to controlling my mental health.
“It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave”. – Mandy Hale.
– Jade x